If I owned a Gun...

I I owned a gun, I'd probably shoot myself right now. I get to work to find a post-it notes on top of all the files I gave my supervisor to sign so I could give the finalized transfer registers to my coworker. These files are back on my desk, and the note says: I need to sign hard copies of the transfers. Please reprint on hard cards.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

So I go to my kind of supervisor and tell her about the note, we agree that there can only be one signature on the hard copy. Then the mega-supervisor says that we were supposed to have been closing out the East Coast Virtual cards, printing out the closed card on Hardstock, and then creating a new West Coast Virtual card all along.

What!!!!

So then she says, do all of the transfers that way. And I say... thanks to my big mouth...

What about all the previous transfers?

Do 2005 the correct way and then go back to each year 2004-1997, and redo all the transfers!!!

Holy Shit.

Ok... so that's like... um eight years worth of transfers, and that's at least 400 transfers each year. What the fuck does she think I am - superwoman.

I just got called into the office. She's changed her mind. We don't have to do the hard copy cards. Freaking government workers. They can't make up their minds.
*sigh*

:::So Behind:::

I am so behind - practically behind in life at this stage. But aren't we all behind someone in life? Guys - get your head out of the gutter!

Let's take a look at where I should be:
married (god I really want that one too)
Graduating from school in a year
Debt Free
All of my schoolwork Turned in

Let's look at Where I AM!
Single - god that sucks. I'm at an "in-between" with my ex.
Won't be graduating until the END of Fall 2006 - so Spring 2006 graduation date
Buried in Debt
And so behind on projects it isn't funny.

So...
School work that needs to be done:
::ESSE 406::
7 abstracts
Parents of Disabled kid interview
3 teacher survey
::ESSE 413::
Future Classroom Project
Theorist Game

::Eng 455::
Second Teaching Project

Then, classes I still need to take after the Fall 2005:
ECI 449 (3 credits)
ECI 451 (3)
Eng 360, 363, 393 or 493 (3)
Eng 303 or 304 (3)
Eng 333 (3)
A 300 or 400 Eng elective (3)
Eng 350 (3)
ECI 485 (last class) (12 credits)

That's a total of 34 credits! So a year and a half in semesters. Sucks Sucks SUcks

I made a huge payment to my credit card, but as of yet, just racked it up with the new lense I had to order because the dog chewed on one of mine and the two tires I had to buy.

I want to drive up to Arlington, VA this weekend to see the Faces of the Fallen exhibit, but Doug doesn't want to go this weekend because he leaves on Weds for Washington for a week. It's only a 3 1/2 hour drive up there, and I really want to go. Hopefully we'll go at some point. it's open until September 5, 2005, and it just opened to the public on March 23rd. I want to bring flowers up there, maybe write some poems and put them under the portraits for family members. I think it would be a great thing to do, and make a slight donation. We are just broke college students.

Alright - work to do!!!

Quote of the Day

As said by my guy Douglas...

"There's always enough time to get some ding-aling."

In reference to my leaving this morning without jumping him.

On to Sprint

So Suncom has basically disintigrated. Cingular has sucked them into their vortez, customer service has basically disappeared and you wait for hours to get to a representative. I signed up with sprint after finding out if I cancelled my plan with Suncom I wouldn't get charged the termination fee. I transferred my number. Mistake # 1. That might cost me $200 because I'll be cancelling my plan with suncom to transfer Sprint. But then they tell me they don't know if I'll get charged or not. I'll find out when my service stops. Which will be any day now, even though I was going to tell sprint not to transfer to the number when it came in the mail. But it seems it did it without me even having the phone or turning it on, etc. Suncom reps are all saying different things and everything is basically in Chaos. I give up.

I hate cellphones. I love them, but I hate the hassle of them. I don't have the time to deal with stuff like this. I liked Suncom. I've been with them forever. I'm mad they are merging and I'm having to switch because I don't want cingular.

Now I have Sprint and they are ok, but their phones are only okay whereas my motorola v400 from suncom is awesome!!!!

I'm sad. Plus I may not have a phone for a week, because my service will be cut off today or tomorrow, and I haven't even received my phone from UPS yet, and then it'll take probably until Saturday the 26th to get service on the phone. I might as well have went into a store. I was expecting to have my phone for the full week, but transferring the number cuts off my service even though I don't have the phone yet!!!

Suncom/Cingular

I am so pissed about this. Trying to get into the stores is ridiculous. You have to wait outside and only 10 people are allowed at a time. Then they run out of phones and sim cards. You can't even get anyone on the phone. I want to cancel my service contract, and am going to see if I can, since my contract is with suncom, not cingular, adn i bought a 300 dollar phone they don't support. BULLSHIT!

Fighting All the Time

We are fighting all the time. yesterday he didn't even seem happy to see me, though he said he had missed me. He just ignored me and watched tv. Then his phone rings, and the song "I like big butts and i cannot lie" plays for this caller. And I'm like - whose ringtone is that? And he says I don't know. And I said, "You're so lying. It's probably some girls." And he says that i'm probably right. So then I got upset. because I know how he is. he probably tells this girl that he loves her ass, and thats why he has that song there. His ringtone for me, "She will be loved." by Maroon 5. yeah right - loved by who? he doesn't act like he cares lately. Its just so aggravating because I can't do anything. We're not dating, and he's not mine. When we went on lunch on Wednesday I asked him if he had any intention of dating me, and he said he didn't know. How can you not know? I understand we have a bad and complex history. But how can you not know? You either want to be with just me or you don't. And he's all saying, if you're going to pressure me just stop talking to me, and that's not fair. I just wanted an idea of how he felt, what he wanted from me. He's the one who said we would see how things go and then I could ask again. Well it had been five days. I had planned on waiting longer, but things were already going downhill and we had fought the night before because the dog ripped open the lining to the bed (most likely when lauren was watching her). And then he told me last night that lauren will probably watch chloe the whole week he is in washington, which means I can't see the dog, and I'm like - what the fuck. Why don't you just ask her to be your g/f. And who knows - maybe he has and he's just lying to me.
This is so frustrating. How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm being a bitch and making a big deal out of everything, but I'm so sensitive lately. He doesn't even seem to enjoy my company, so why have me over? he didn't touch me at all last nite. I cried because I might as well have been alone.

Slam

I crossed that line to talk to you. I’m sure you remember the line, it was the one you always told me not to cross, the one you said you would stop talking to me for if I stepped over it again, and you said that every time I took that leap. But I always took it to talk to you. Because without stepping over the line I came to a wall. A brick wall. So wide, and so long, and so tall I couldn’t reach the top to pull myself over.

There didn’t use to be a wall. Maybe there was and I just never had to climb it because I had a key to a door that used to exist. I can remember the day I fell in love with you and the day you fell in love with me, if it was ever love that you fell, and I can remember the day you told me you didn’t love me anymore and how I still loved you. I can remember the doubt I felt because I still feel it. A man not to be trusted begs to be trusted but doesn’t trust you. You dare to ask me where I have been, who I have been with, and what I was doing, when never did another man’s hands touch me while I was “with” you, and never did another man’s hands touch me even when I was not “with” you, that I didn’t think of your hands upon my skin.

Once upon a time our love was almost perfect. Like I am almost perfect. Perfect like the smooth contours of a red apple. Perfect like a child’s laughter. Perfect like a love that is reciprocated. My eyes were red. From crying tears you evoked every time you turned your back on me. So often that I knew not when you were facing me. My hair smelled like cigarettes when I climbed into bed with you, my mouth the remnants on an ashtray after the chains of smoke I inhaled to relieve the tears I cried for you. My tears hitting the pillow in the dark of the night, your name a whispered part of an anguished moan on my lips in the silence of the night. Almost perfect. Perfect like that first kiss. Perfect like the circle DaVinci drew to show his worth. Perfect like a goodbye never said.

Do you remember that night you lit candles and played our songs and we danced in the living room to the sound of promises and love and passion? I remember. I remember the face and name of every woman you have slept with since you met me. I remember the broken shards of a love you told me would never end. I remember the disappointment and worthlessness you created in me every time you left me and begged me back.

But there is that wall. So wide and so long and so tall I cannot dare think to climb it. Once it was not there and if it was I did not notice for I held a key that belonged to your heart. I talk to this wall. Sometimes I plead with it, beg it, wish I could tear it down brick by brick if I had to chisel at it with my bare hands. The wall is perfect. It keeps me from you, seeing the real you, the man who hurts me, the man who lies, the man who is not a man in my mind, but a man who I love and forgive in my heart. The wall is so perfect, because I am almost perfect and I created this wall to protect myself. To barricade me from the truth, the truth of you, the truth of us, the truth of reality.

The wall is so perfect when I am not. That is why I cross the line. Because to get to the wall I must cross every line you present me.

How can I help you?

I take so much upon myself. I realize this. I can't help but help him. He has a research paper due on Saturday for his economics class. He is barely passing, and figures he's going to fail, so he's just given up. I took it upon myself to gather all the info on his paper, and we'll sit down tonight or tomorrow night and discuss what we'll cover and how we'll write it. The truth is - I know nothing about economics, but he cannot fail this class. He doesn't take failure well, and I'm surprised he isn't doing his best. Normally he works harder than anyone I know. He seems to be slacking off this semester. I've always helped him with his school if he needed it, and he rarely did. In his English classes we often sat down together and I edited or helped him rewrite his papers. I won't say I did the work for him, because I remember the first time we worked together, I realized how well he could write. He didn't need my help except maybe finding textaul support and grammar. He just needed a sounding board. However we'll work on this together, because I know he doesn't know this stuff together. he'll need my help. That's fine. I decided to do this. I told him I had checked out all his stuff and we would start working on it. He might have wanted my help, but he wouldn't have asked for it. Not after everything we had been through recently. I'm just glad I can help.

I have a ton of school work myself, but i don't feel like doing any of it. I'm so tired of school. every day is so long, and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. it's horrible.

When will I Die?

You Will Die at Age 73

73 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

How unfair is that though? I don't live recklessly. But then - 73 is pretty good. I don't think I'd want a really long life. I don't want to be old and unable to take care of myself. Being old and sick and on the edge of dying... I think that's a pretty average age.

You Are a Drama Queen (or King)

(You are more dramatic than 60% of the population.) And the oscar goes to... you! You're all about overreacting and just plain acting. You see the world as your stage, and give a great performance. And while you're friends may find you entertaining at times... Everyone's secretly hoping that you'll just chill a little. (But they'd never tell you - they fear your wrath!)

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

I always figured I was a little bit of a drama queen. Let's be honest, I think I tend to overexaggerate things more than I make it dramatic. Life without a little drama would be kind of boring hm?

New Years - I'm the girl wearing the glasses.



This is Doug.... he's 6'5"



He's a little sunburnt here.



This is me last year when my hair was short.

Cycling

Friday I left early from work, and doug and I went out to lunch. We met up to talk. He said that he didn't cheat on me. He was just friends with the girl, and that he was sorry he had lied about sleeping with her but it had only been one time and before we started dating. I told him that I didn't trust him. There was so much evidence against him and I saw things the way they seemed. Somehow we talked things through, and I apologized for reacting the way I did. Blocking in their car and not moving mine so he could go back to work. But I said that I wouldn't apologize for thinking he was cheating on me. I told him that trust was a big problem with us, and that he had to earn it back. When he left he kissed me and told me how much he missed me. I went out clubbing with one of my girlfriends that night and he went out to the clubs too with his co-workers. When I left the clubs around 2pm, I had a message from him saying he wanted me to come over.

I went over to his house, and climbed into bed with him. We had some pretty amazing sex. I won't even call it sex. We kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours. I just wrapped my arms around him to pull him as close as I could and kept on kissing him. It made it seem - more meaningful. The way we kissed - as if we might never kiss again and were trying to memorize the taste of each other.

Afterward we lay next to each other and I slept in his arms.

We didn't spend much of the next day together, but he called me later that night to come over, and I did. It was- to my surprise to find out he was hanging out with two girls (about 18 and 19 yrs old). They had all gotten into the hot tub and were eating pizza. They thought I was Doug's roommate's girlfriend. I almost passed out. To be honest, I was incredibly pissed off that he ahd spent the day with them, and they had been watching Chloe - who has gotten soooo big in the whole week I haven't seen her. But I got to talking to them, and it turns out one was the daughter of his co-worker and the other her friend. perhaps they thought to hook up with him or something, but then they were like - how do you know Doug? And I told them he was my ex. And when they left - I stayed. And its not like Doug acted like he didn't want me there. he was making a big move by inviting me over. His argument was that he could never have me over when his friends who are girls are over because he acts different and I would try to prove he was mine. This was his way of showing me nothing was going on and that he was trying. I realized that, but I was still not happy that he had been in the hot tub with them. But then - she was the daughter of a co-worker, and they were from Rhoade Island and just visiting her mom for spring break. So - there wasn't anything going on. Just him being his nice, usual charming self. And Doug was calling me Baby and stuff, and I don't know where they got the idea that I was house's girlfriend, because they saw me put my bag in doug's room, and if I asked a question, it was always to doug, and I took Chloe out (doug's dog) to the backyard the moment I came over. I figure he didn't tell them he was inviting someone over and they just assumed i was with House not Doug, even though it was obvious I was there for Doug. But it still irked me that he was in the hot tub with them. One of them was pretty, so i can only imagine he was ike oh yeah.

I stayed again that night and we had sex in the morning, and it was great. he went shopping at Best Buy and I watched the dog while he was out. Then we ate at Golden Corral *yuck*, and came back to the house to hook up the small fridge he bought and figure out the mp3 maker he bought so we could upload songs to our phones. I left around 5pm because I didn't want to wear out my welcome. He called to say he was having a good time with me, and didn't want me to leave. But I said I thought it would be for the best, so he wouldn't get tired of me. The games we play. *sigh* He thought I was leaving because I had a date or something, but I told him he had nothing to worry about. Earlier on Sunday I had asked him what we were doing. He knew I meant : what exactly are we? Because we hadn't talked about getting back together or anything. he said we should hang out for a couple of days, see how things go and then discuss it after that. I agreed but How exactly do I bring it up again? I don't want to pressure him, but neither do I want to be friends with benefits. We need to be b/f and g/f. There's no other way for us to continue on.

He called me Sunday night, saying he wanted me to come over and stay the night, but I had already went to bed. he said he woke up and called out for me, but then remembered I wasn't there, so he called me. I thought that was really sweet.

We went to lunch today, and I don't think we are seeing each other tonight because he's taking out his friend for his bday. He just turned 21.

But most likely he'll call me to come over and stay. Things have been going well, but who knows what that means.

Guess Who texted me

He sent me several text messages:

1. I didn't cheat on u. i cant stop thinking about my baby i mis u

2. nm u shouldnt respond i dont deserve u. u deserve u but i cant breathe. i just wish we didnt fight so much 2 little 2 late i gues

3. I never lied. i was tru to u wile we dated. sory bout lying bout slpn with her. i need u. i wud do nething.

I don't know what exactly he is up to. He's such a liar though. he admitted to having her stay the night while we were dating. That's way too freaking close to cheating for me. it breaks my heart that I still love him and even right now I want to be with him.

So I'm thinking the best way to get him to stay away is to tell him what he has to do in order for us to get back together.

1. change his phone number and erase all their numbers.
2. I have to move in

He'll never meet those conditions. And that is part of the reason I know he doesn't really care for me. he was never willing to cut old ties. it's just tiring loving someone so much who has probably never loved you.

Who Me?

So Lauren... the girl my ex cheated on me with, was on AOL yesterday, so I suspect she got the email I had forwarded to her. Re: previous blog entry. And I totally expected to get a phone call from Doug where he told me off for being a totally conniving bitch. In which I would have pleaded total ignorance. I mean - it was sent from his email addy. But I never did. If I'd had Breanna's address - I would have sent it to her too. *snicker* I'm so bad. Really though - I mean - I'd like them to know just because its wrong of him to do it, but let me be honest with myself:

I just want him to be alone and miserable.

And taking away all his extra hunnies is the only way I can think to do it. I'm alone. Why shouldn't he be! But then I checked his email addy again this morning, and he still hadn't changed the password. Which I would think he would have done. Because - how stupid can you be? But Doug is boundless when it comes to stupidity.

Yesterday was my best friend's moms' birthday, and she found out that her brother had went into full cardiac arrest and then a coma. So she spent her birthday trying to book a last minute flight for all of her brothers to Miami. And I was thinking - her brother is 50 and married to a 21 year old, and they were testing to see how bad the brain damage was. And I felt sorry for his wife. Because being so young, she's going to have to take care of him for the rest of his life and possibly hers. I kept thinking how unfair that was for her. How maybe she loved him and she thought she would have the rest of her life with him and instead she'll spend it with a man who is - no longer the man she married.

And then I realized - shit - my parents are 15 years apart. That could very well happen to mom and dad, but then she would have us to help her take care of him. And we wouldn't blame her if she couldn't do it and put him in a home. He's had so many medical problems lately, and I just realized - how close to home the situation could be.

I have been single for (tomorrow at 2:20pm) for a week. A week. it doesn't feel like a week. I haven't exactly kept busy, but I've been reading books at home and just working during the day. My friends all have boyfriends so I don't get to hang out with them much.

I wish I could go out and be with someone. Its probably too soon. I would think it is. The truth is, I've never moved on once in all the three and 1/2 years we were together and broken up. I might have been talking to or seeing other guys, but I was thinking about him all the time.

And it sucks that every time I close my eyes I see his face, and every night when I fall alseep its with his name, a whisper on my lips.

Take Two

So I'm writing a novel called Take Two, and I know on the other site I post on, that when I post anything it becaomes their property. Which means I can never have it published without plagerizing. So I'm curious what Blogger's copyright and property laws are because this is a real WIp (work in progress) I'm doing and hoping to target Harelquin Blaze. If anyone knows anything about this, let me know.
Ash

I'm so Bad

Bad to the bones. Doug and I met up last night to exchange some things we still had from each other. I had "I hate everything about you" By Three Days Grace blaring from my speakers when he drove up. He had his friend House with him. The coward. Didn't want to give me an opportunity to say anything to him. Just shoved my stuff inside the car, took his and drove off. I almost laughed. Almost. But I didn't cry either, which is good because I haven't started crying, crying. Sometimes a thought catches me unaware and my eyes tear up - but I don't let anything spill. I just blink real hard and concentrate on how much he isn't worth my time or tears. But what really got me - was that he seemed pissed at me. He cheated! Not me! I didn't do anything but confront him, and I could have done a lot worse than yelling at him in front of the girl. it really pissed me off that he was angry and here I was, with enough reason to be angry, but - not really angry. Maybe I'm just over it. Maybe I really wanted him to apologize and tell me how much he screwed up so I could tell him I was done with him forever. Maybe I'll admit that deep down inside I had hoped we work it out. I don't know. I can't say I didn't expect anything different, because I knew what happened would be exactly what happened - but I guess I couldn't help but hope - he felt some remorse. But no. Not Doug.

So I checked his email to see if he had read my email I had sent a couple of days ago, he just deleted it. But he sent an email to a friend who had asked who his flavor of the week was. They thought it would still be me, but he didn't mention what happened between us to his friend. But he said Breanna and this girl named Lauren. So the bad person I am - I forwarded the email to Lauren. because I'm sure he's told her he wants to be with just her now. Silly girl. And since she knows we broke up, she wouldn't suspect. Well I knew a little bit about him talking to Breanna when we were together, but no firm evidence. But I figured she had a right to know just how stupid she was being by staying with him.

And that will teach him to not give his passwords out to his girlfriends and then not change them when he cheats on them. I could do worse. Unenroll him from his classes, charge up his best buy card, take all of the money from his account and pay off something - like his visa card. because - what could he do? But I'm not that horrible of a person. So I just taught him a little lesson and let Lauren know - he's a dog who will always be a dog.

I do miss him though. And chloe.

What am I supposed to do? How do I get over him? Any advice would be appreciated. I just - I don't want to love him anymore...

It's hard to have been with someone for so long - love them for all you are worth and then - just pretend they don't mean anything. Close to impossible.

No, I'd Rather Have a Happy Ending

So I think I’m going to write myself a happy ending. Because if I don’t, I don’t think I can go on. Everyone writes the same thing about loving someone and being hurt by them. Sure there’s the same gaping hole in all our chests’, but each person’s pain is separate, different – dependent on the pain the lover inflicts on the person who loves them.

I just want to strangle him. How bad is that? I know he feels nothing about what he’s done – no shame. No guilt. No regret. How could I go on pretending like nothing was happening? I kept thinking – if I just pretend she’s not there, then its okay. I made so many excuses for him – took all his lies without a bat of an eye – even though I knew he was lying when he was doing it. Still I stood by and let him run me through. All of that and I kept thinking – pretending wasn’t doing me any good. Either way I was being hurt. But how hard is it to walk away from someone you love? How hard?

It’s harder than staying with him when he has verbally abused me. Its harder than staying with him even though he uses me emotionally, financially, and sexually. Its harder than just ignoring the fact that another woman sleeps on the same sheets I sleep on, kisses the same mouth I kiss, fucks the man I make love to. It's harder to leave than it is to stay.

I was willing to be his forever. Do you understand that? His for ever. I was willing to give the rest of my life to him. Spend it with him. Love him that whole time. He was my first love, and I wanted him to be the true love.

But he stopped loving me so long ago – it must have been two years ago he told me he didn’t love me anymore. What a relief that must have been for him. It must have been like having this huge burden removed – this knife taken out of your heart. Because loving makes you vulnerable, and then you care and you hurt and you bleed. When he said he didn’t love me anymore – he was free. Free of – feeling like he owed me something more than what he was giving. He could do what he wanted, say what he wanted. He had won. He had the upper hand. He did not love me and I was – still – hopelessly in love with him.

That kind of power – yes it’s destroyed me. It’s broken me down into little pieces, so much so, I don’t even see how to put it all back together – understand how it once was all formatted. I’ve changed so much in the past three and a half years. That long I wasted loving him more than myself, giving him everything I could afford, sacrificing my needs for his.

What a fool I was.

Did you know that I can no longer tell the difference between hating him and loving him because the two have been so intermixed for so long?

I love him. Yes. God – I wish I didn’t, but I do. I hate him. Yes. God – I wish I hated him more. Because if it was more wouldn’t it be easier to move on – easier to walk away – easier to let go and forget this ache in the pit of my stomach. If I hated him at least I wouldn't love him anymore.

I hate you! Do you hear me! I hate you so much and I wish you would die! I want to scream so bad, but I don’t even dare break down in tears, because – what if they never stop? What if I can’t stop crying? Frozen in eternal sorrow. Tears tattooed on my cheeks. The pain of my love for him etched in my mind and heart and soul – forever.

I’d rather die than love this way. He moves on every time – he can always find someone. What if I never love again? We are a cycle – even when it is broken it always goes back the way it was. We always go back to each other. even when it spirals out of control, it begins where it always begins.

I want the cycle to stop, but even as I hate him, I love him so much and miss him so badly, I would walk right back into his arms with my eyes wide open, still seeing him with her, my heart wide open, still throbbing with the last ragged breath I took while sobbing, and – I would take what he gave me.

I was so angry I caught him. I keep thinking. That stupid idiotic fool. Does he know what he has lost? Probably. Maybe Not. Maybe he realizes what material things he is losing – but the emotional aspect. Well he was always able to replace me. Maybe not for long – maybe he always came back crying to me that he was alone and no one loved him like I did.

Of course they didn’t love you like I did – they had a backbone. They didn’t take your shit. They walked away and moved on before they were stuck.

Trapped.

Imprisoned in their love for you.

Let me out of this cage I’ve locked myself in.

The key – it is over there.

Don’t you see it? No, No – you are covering it – you’re going to lose it.

What? No - No it’s not possible. The key was there. I put – I swear I put the key there.

I’m just so lost. I truly don’t remember where I put it or if there ever really was one.

Where is my happy ending? Will there ever be one? Is it worth going through each day hurting without him just to find out my happy ending isn't with him? why can't he just love me? Why couldn't he just be happy with just me?