Who Me?

So Lauren... the girl my ex cheated on me with, was on AOL yesterday, so I suspect she got the email I had forwarded to her. Re: previous blog entry. And I totally expected to get a phone call from Doug where he told me off for being a totally conniving bitch. In which I would have pleaded total ignorance. I mean - it was sent from his email addy. But I never did. If I'd had Breanna's address - I would have sent it to her too. *snicker* I'm so bad. Really though - I mean - I'd like them to know just because its wrong of him to do it, but let me be honest with myself:

I just want him to be alone and miserable.

And taking away all his extra hunnies is the only way I can think to do it. I'm alone. Why shouldn't he be! But then I checked his email addy again this morning, and he still hadn't changed the password. Which I would think he would have done. Because - how stupid can you be? But Doug is boundless when it comes to stupidity.

Yesterday was my best friend's moms' birthday, and she found out that her brother had went into full cardiac arrest and then a coma. So she spent her birthday trying to book a last minute flight for all of her brothers to Miami. And I was thinking - her brother is 50 and married to a 21 year old, and they were testing to see how bad the brain damage was. And I felt sorry for his wife. Because being so young, she's going to have to take care of him for the rest of his life and possibly hers. I kept thinking how unfair that was for her. How maybe she loved him and she thought she would have the rest of her life with him and instead she'll spend it with a man who is - no longer the man she married.

And then I realized - shit - my parents are 15 years apart. That could very well happen to mom and dad, but then she would have us to help her take care of him. And we wouldn't blame her if she couldn't do it and put him in a home. He's had so many medical problems lately, and I just realized - how close to home the situation could be.

I have been single for (tomorrow at 2:20pm) for a week. A week. it doesn't feel like a week. I haven't exactly kept busy, but I've been reading books at home and just working during the day. My friends all have boyfriends so I don't get to hang out with them much.

I wish I could go out and be with someone. Its probably too soon. I would think it is. The truth is, I've never moved on once in all the three and 1/2 years we were together and broken up. I might have been talking to or seeing other guys, but I was thinking about him all the time.

And it sucks that every time I close my eyes I see his face, and every night when I fall alseep its with his name, a whisper on my lips.