No, I'd Rather Have a Happy Ending

So I think I’m going to write myself a happy ending. Because if I don’t, I don’t think I can go on. Everyone writes the same thing about loving someone and being hurt by them. Sure there’s the same gaping hole in all our chests’, but each person’s pain is separate, different – dependent on the pain the lover inflicts on the person who loves them.

I just want to strangle him. How bad is that? I know he feels nothing about what he’s done – no shame. No guilt. No regret. How could I go on pretending like nothing was happening? I kept thinking – if I just pretend she’s not there, then its okay. I made so many excuses for him – took all his lies without a bat of an eye – even though I knew he was lying when he was doing it. Still I stood by and let him run me through. All of that and I kept thinking – pretending wasn’t doing me any good. Either way I was being hurt. But how hard is it to walk away from someone you love? How hard?

It’s harder than staying with him when he has verbally abused me. Its harder than staying with him even though he uses me emotionally, financially, and sexually. Its harder than just ignoring the fact that another woman sleeps on the same sheets I sleep on, kisses the same mouth I kiss, fucks the man I make love to. It's harder to leave than it is to stay.

I was willing to be his forever. Do you understand that? His for ever. I was willing to give the rest of my life to him. Spend it with him. Love him that whole time. He was my first love, and I wanted him to be the true love.

But he stopped loving me so long ago – it must have been two years ago he told me he didn’t love me anymore. What a relief that must have been for him. It must have been like having this huge burden removed – this knife taken out of your heart. Because loving makes you vulnerable, and then you care and you hurt and you bleed. When he said he didn’t love me anymore – he was free. Free of – feeling like he owed me something more than what he was giving. He could do what he wanted, say what he wanted. He had won. He had the upper hand. He did not love me and I was – still – hopelessly in love with him.

That kind of power – yes it’s destroyed me. It’s broken me down into little pieces, so much so, I don’t even see how to put it all back together – understand how it once was all formatted. I’ve changed so much in the past three and a half years. That long I wasted loving him more than myself, giving him everything I could afford, sacrificing my needs for his.

What a fool I was.

Did you know that I can no longer tell the difference between hating him and loving him because the two have been so intermixed for so long?

I love him. Yes. God – I wish I didn’t, but I do. I hate him. Yes. God – I wish I hated him more. Because if it was more wouldn’t it be easier to move on – easier to walk away – easier to let go and forget this ache in the pit of my stomach. If I hated him at least I wouldn't love him anymore.

I hate you! Do you hear me! I hate you so much and I wish you would die! I want to scream so bad, but I don’t even dare break down in tears, because – what if they never stop? What if I can’t stop crying? Frozen in eternal sorrow. Tears tattooed on my cheeks. The pain of my love for him etched in my mind and heart and soul – forever.

I’d rather die than love this way. He moves on every time – he can always find someone. What if I never love again? We are a cycle – even when it is broken it always goes back the way it was. We always go back to each other. even when it spirals out of control, it begins where it always begins.

I want the cycle to stop, but even as I hate him, I love him so much and miss him so badly, I would walk right back into his arms with my eyes wide open, still seeing him with her, my heart wide open, still throbbing with the last ragged breath I took while sobbing, and – I would take what he gave me.

I was so angry I caught him. I keep thinking. That stupid idiotic fool. Does he know what he has lost? Probably. Maybe Not. Maybe he realizes what material things he is losing – but the emotional aspect. Well he was always able to replace me. Maybe not for long – maybe he always came back crying to me that he was alone and no one loved him like I did.

Of course they didn’t love you like I did – they had a backbone. They didn’t take your shit. They walked away and moved on before they were stuck.

Trapped.

Imprisoned in their love for you.

Let me out of this cage I’ve locked myself in.

The key – it is over there.

Don’t you see it? No, No – you are covering it – you’re going to lose it.

What? No - No it’s not possible. The key was there. I put – I swear I put the key there.

I’m just so lost. I truly don’t remember where I put it or if there ever really was one.

Where is my happy ending? Will there ever be one? Is it worth going through each day hurting without him just to find out my happy ending isn't with him? why can't he just love me? Why couldn't he just be happy with just me?