Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I Can Pull Through
Monday, April 04, 2005
Don't Cave, Don't Cave
I went over to his place when he called me around 830pm, and we had - some really good sex. he actually went down on me (OMG! The first time in forever). It was nice, but let's face it. I'm not the only one he's having sex with. And he hadn't even tried to have sex for three weeks before that. He doesn't even rely on me for anything anymore. he had that fat bitch Lauren take him to the airport, and pick him up. It just kills me. She babysat the dog while he was gone and basically lived at his fucking house. Did his laundry etc. I hope she found my thong and shirt in his basket. I've been intentionally leaving clothes in the hamper when I stay the night so she'll know. Fuck her. I had thrown away her toothbrush (it'd only been there for a day). And put in my shampoo and conditioner and mousse in the bathroom. Then I snapped her tacky cheap purple sunglasses in half and threw them away. I'll let her know that anything she leaves in his place is fair game and I'll fuck it up. I know I should be mad at him. Trust me . I am. But he just lies and says there's nothing going on. I don't even bother anymore. Like last night there was a piece of a condom wrapper on the floor. And I didn't say anything but he knew I was upset. So he told me to tell him. So I did and he goes, "I haven't been here in five days. it's not mine!" Yeah... whatever. His roommate has his own bathroom and him and his girl don't even use condoms. He really thinks I'm stupid. I'm stupid for staying with him. yes. I know that. And that's why it can't go on anymore. So at lunch today, because last night after we had sex I could say much but Zzzzzz.....
So this is what I'm going to say.
I can't keep being in the middle anymore, and I'm not happy. I love you, but it isn't enough when I don't feel like I'm getting anything back. So you basically have a choice. I'm your girlfriend and you see no one else, you cut her out of your life or you don't. And You can have some time to think about it, but not too much. I won't let you drag it out because it just means your answer is no. And I won't cave in. If you choose not to date me and make things between us serious then from there I'll decide whether we go to being just friends and I start dating, or to not talk to you at all. Either way something has to change. I can't keep doing this with you. It's breaking me apart and I don't like who I've become. I'm bitter and I'm starting to hate you. I don't want that. If it means me seeing other people and not being involved - even just intimately with you - then I have to do that. Because I'm not happy and I can't live this way any longer.
And I pray to god (this is not what I'd say to him) that I don't cave in. Because I'm so weak when it comes to him. So weak... but I deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me and care about me. He hurts me - and he lies to me. I have to offer him that chance to change, right? And if he doesn't from there I can hurt him by being with other people and in turn, just hurt myself, or make an unclean break, because there is no such thing as a clean break between us anymore, and remove myself from his life.
God - why does love have to be so hard.